10-28-2005, 02:09 AM
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
========
A lost balloonist lands in a random field and asks a man out walking his dog "Where am I?"
The man replies "you are three feet in front of me in the middle of a field"
"You must be an accountant!" retorts the balloonist
"How did you know that?" the man asks incredulously
"Easy. What you just told me is 100% accurate but absolutely useless!"
-----------
Q Who was the world's first accountant?
A Adam. He turned a leaf and made an entry!
------
Q What's the difference between an accountant and a vampire?
A A vampire only sucks blood at night.
------
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
======
What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.
------
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?
"Darling, tell me about your work."
When the accountant laughs loud?
When some one asks for a raise.
-----
Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
------
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
=======
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
======
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.
=====
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......
-------
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said Concentrate.
-------
The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
=============
How does an accountant make a bold fashion statement?
He wears his grey suit instead of the blue
----------
How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30
-------
Accountants aren't boring people. They just get excited over boring things.
-----
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
----
Who was the first accountant?
Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
----
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
---
Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing
"He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."
------
An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, "Do you know what I do?'
"Daddy says you're a CPA."
"That's right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?"
"Well, he says you're a complete pain in the arse."
-----
An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.
"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings."
"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."
"The cost of what?" asks the pilot.
"Of the bearings you lost."
-------
This is a true story.
An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him.
"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep."
---------
Accountant's Life
He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played.
He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid.
And when up and passed and away, insurance was denied.
For since he hadn't ever lived, they claimed he never died.
--------
Why the accountant started smoking?
So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. Called it loss by fire.
So his medical expenses went above the 71/2% threshold.
-----
Why do accountants make good lovers?
Because they are good with figures
----
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
========
A lost balloonist lands in a random field and asks a man out walking his dog "Where am I?"
The man replies "you are three feet in front of me in the middle of a field"
"You must be an accountant!" retorts the balloonist
"How did you know that?" the man asks incredulously
"Easy. What you just told me is 100% accurate but absolutely useless!"
-----------
Q Who was the world's first accountant?
A Adam. He turned a leaf and made an entry!
------
Q What's the difference between an accountant and a vampire?
A A vampire only sucks blood at night.
------
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
======
What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.
------
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?
"Darling, tell me about your work."
When the accountant laughs loud?
When some one asks for a raise.
-----
Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
------
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
=======
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
======
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.
=====
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......
-------
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said Concentrate.
-------
The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
=============
How does an accountant make a bold fashion statement?
He wears his grey suit instead of the blue
----------
How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30
-------
Accountants aren't boring people. They just get excited over boring things.
-----
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
----
Who was the first accountant?
Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
----
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
---
Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing
"He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."
------
An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, "Do you know what I do?'
"Daddy says you're a CPA."
"That's right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?"
"Well, he says you're a complete pain in the arse."
-----
An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.
"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings."
"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."
"The cost of what?" asks the pilot.
"Of the bearings you lost."
-------
This is a true story.
An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him.
"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep."
---------
Accountant's Life
He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played.
He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid.
And when up and passed and away, insurance was denied.
For since he hadn't ever lived, they claimed he never died.
--------
Why the accountant started smoking?
So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. Called it loss by fire.
So his medical expenses went above the 71/2% threshold.
-----
Why do accountants make good lovers?
Because they are good with figures
----