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I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Edited by - arslan on Feb 29 2004 12441 PM
Santaâs chicken farm
One day our Santa decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbour, Banta, was also a chicken farmer.
Banta came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isnât easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, Iâll give you 100 chickens."
Santa was thrilled. Two weeks later Banta stopped by to see how things were going.
Santa said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."
Banta said, "Oh, I canât believe that. Iâve never had any trouble with my chickens. Iâll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and Banta stops in again.
Santa says, "Youâre not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."
Astounded, Banta asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?"
"Well," says Santa, "Iâm not sure. But I think Iâm not planting them far enough apart."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Santaâs delight
Doctor I regret to inform you that you have a brain tumor.
Santa Singh Hey! Is it? Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor Listen, do you really understand the implications.
Santa Singh Yes of course, do you think Iâm a dumbhead or a dodo?
Doctor Then, why on earth, are you so happy to hear that?
Santa Singh Oh Doc, how do I tell you? I can prove the people wrong now as I do have a brain.
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
A fishing trip
Santa and Banta decided to go on a fishing trip. They went to a tackle store, bought all of the equipment they needed and then went on to the lake. There they rented a boat for the day.
Once out to a spot they dropped their lines, and through the day had tremendous luck.
Santa said to Banta, "We should mark this spot." So Banta leaned over a put a mark on the side of the boat.
Santa said "You fool that wonât work".
"Why?" said Banta.
Because Santa said "we may not get the same boat tomorrow."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Banta Singh fills form
One great day in Bombay, a couple were on a honeymoon tour. They saw Banta Singh in front of a hospital (Breach Candy).He was trying to fill some form. So the couple enquired eagerly
"What are you doing ?"
Banta Singh replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. The couple as per schedule, took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination.
On the next day, they find Banta Singh again, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form. So once again young couple curiously asked -
"What are you doing here ?"
Banta Singh once again replied I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form.
The couple said but Banta Singh yesterday you were in Bombay filling the same form, how come youâre in Delhi?
Banta Singh cooly replied It is written here - "FILL IN CAPITAL
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Whereâs the freebie?
Santa went to a store, collected the grocery that he wanted and reached the counter. The sales girl at the counter started processing his bill. Santa asked " Where is the fat ?" The girl could not understand what he was pointing at. " Excuse me sir, FAT???" she said in absolute bewilderment.
"Yes Fat. Give me the fat" Santa started shouting and arguing with the lady when everyone around them gather at the counter. The manager of the store heard the noise and made his way to the counter to ask, Whatâs the problem?
Santa replies, Hey Manager! Look, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written FAT FREE on that but this lady refuses to give me the FAT and I feel cheated.
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Hearing Aid
Santa realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $ 20 to $ 2,000."
"Letâs see the $ 20 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around Santaâs neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" Santa asked.
"For $ 20 it doesnât work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, theyâll talk louder!"
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Interview of a Sardar
Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there on time. He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer. Officer looks at Santa singh Then goes thru his certificates and then starts asking him questions.
Following is the transcript
O Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials I would like to ask you only some simple questions. If you can answer those then you are selected. First we will start with some opposites
S Yes Sir.
Officer started asking questions
O Above
S Below
O Front
S Back
O Left
S Right
O Male
S Female
O Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)
S Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)
O Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it)
S Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our sardar also spells it)
O U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts)
S P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L ..... Y......(Our sardar also shouts)
#Officer is now angry.
O Get out
S Come in.
O Quiet please.
S Talk please.
O You are rejected.
S I am selected ........ ....... and This is how Santa Singh got his job.
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Lottery ticket
Banta finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray
"Oh God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Banta goes back to the temple "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!! Back to the temple
"God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Banta is confronted by the voice of Lord "OYE BANTA, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Santaâs donkey
Having lost his donkey Santa, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?
"Santa replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasnât riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Sardar and the barber
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy
so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees
to wake him up when the station arrived.
This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees ,
the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell
asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he
went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and
suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
Said his wife " What's the matter?"
Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and
woken up someone else"
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Silent Death
Santa and Banta Singh were driving together, discussing death.
"I would like to die peacefully, the way my grandfather did. He passed away silently in his sleep. Not like some of his friends who cried hoarse and screamed like hell just before their death."
"But why the hell did they have to shout? Couldnât they all keep silence the way your grandfather did?" asked a curious Banta.
"Actually not," explained Santa. "As they all were travelling in the car he was driving while he fell asleep."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT