Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerruti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the shepherd - If I guess how many sheep you do have, you give me one of them?
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, which graze and says - All right.
The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says - You have exactly 1586 sheep here.
The shepherd answers - That's correct, you can have your sheep. The young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his jeep. The shepherd looks at him and asks If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me? The young man answers Yes, why not.
The shepherd says - You are an Arthur Anderson consultant! How did you know? asks the young man. Very simple, answers the shepherd First you come here without being called. Second, you charge me, to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog!
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
An accountant was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, Iâll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then said "If you kiss me and turn me into a beautiful princess, Iâll stay with you for one week" The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke again "Iâll stay and do anything you want". Again he took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked "What is the matter ? Iâve told you Iâm a beautiful princess, Iâll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wonât you kiss me ?" The accountant replied "Look, Iâm an accountant. I donât have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now thatâs cool"
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no-one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is the one nearest the window."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to check it was done within budget.
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk drawer and that the envelope numbered 1 should be opened if he encounters any sort of crisis in the job. If a further crisis occurs he should open the envelope numbered 2.
Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong- you know what it's like - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says, "Blame me." He does this and gets off the hook.
Three months later there is another crisis and he opens the second envelope. The message says, "Write two envelopes".
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldn't find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldn't produce it.
"What's wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby.
She looked around and there was a funny little creature with spectacles, a bald patch and shaving cuts.
"I can't find a dividend," she said and started crying again.
"Don't worry," said the creature. "I can find you one."
"How?" said the oil company, "And who are you?"
"I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you mind about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for you, you must agree to let me stay with you."
"Yes, yes!" she said, anxious only to get the dividend.
The accountant disappeared into some books nearby and stayed there for a while. She could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring accounts. Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers.
"I've found you a dividend," he said.
Her usual cheerfulness returned in an instant and she rushed off to tell her father, the Chairman. She forgot all about the accountant until he followed her in and reminded her of her promise; despite all her tears, her father insisted that she keep her word and that night the little accountant slept on the floor beside her bed.
The next morning she opened her eyes and to her amazement she saw the accountant was exactly the same as he had been before.
"I know what you're thinking," smiled the accountant. "You're quite right. Before I was changed into an accountant I was a handsome young man with a devil-may-care attitude and considerable joie de vivre."
"Then change back!" said the oil company, clapping her hands.
"Are you crazy?" said the accountant. "Handsome young men are two a penny but clever, ugly little accountants are worth their weight in gold."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says "What is nine multiplied by four?"
He thinks quickly and says "Thirty five." When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew that" and goes home very disappointed.
Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he says, "but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't right"
"We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.
After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
A local restaurant was so sure its massive Sumo chef was the strongest man around, they had a standing $1,000.00 offer that the chef would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out of the lemon would walk away with the money. Many people had tried, including weight lifters and longshoremen, but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try it". After the laughter had died down the chef said ,"OK". He grabbed a lemon and squeeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and one by one 6 drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd erupted into cheering, the chef paid the $1,000.00 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a builder's labourer or what?"
He adjusted his glasses on his nose and said, "I work for the Tax Department".
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
An accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening. It reads
"Dear Wife. This week I turned 54. I am going away for the weekend. I will be staying at the Hilton with my gorgeous, sexy, 18-year-old secretary."
When he arrives at the hotel there is a letter waiting for him. It is from his wife. It reads
"Dear Husband. I too am 54. I too am going away for the weekend. I will be staying at the Sheraton with my handsome and virile 18-year-old toy boy. You're an accountant. You'll appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
Three accountants go to the men's room to relieve themselves.
The first one finishes and walks over to the basin to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry them carefully, using paper towel after paper towel until every spot of water is gone. He turns to the other two accountants and says, "CPAs are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second one goes over to the basin, washes his hands and then dries them with one paper towel, using every corner of it until every spot of water is gone. He says, "Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough but also extremely efficient."
The third accountant walks straight to the door. "Management Accountants learn never to piss on themselves."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for.
"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometres, say a Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are you kidding?"
"Yeah. But you started it."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT
An accountant is walking along the beach when he finds an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and suddenly a genie appears.
The genie says, "I am the most powerful genie that ever existed. I have done wonderful things in my time and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one wish."
The accountant is a deeply caring person. He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Middle East problem".
The genie strokes his beard and looks worried. "Oh dear, that's a bottler. Those people have been fighting each other for centuries. Everybody has tried to solve that problem without success. I'm not sure I can do any better. You'd better have another wish."
"All right," says the accountant. "The Tax Office have asked me to redesign the Business Activity Statement so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?"
There is a long silence. Finally the genie says, "Let's have a look at that map again."
I lie I steal I cheat So people can feel my LATINO HEAT