01-05-2005, 09:17 AM
Sorry guys don't have many Accountancy jokes but since this forum has recently welcomed 'wanna be' actuaries so I guess I should entertain them with following few Actuarial Jokes (Non- wanna be actuaries are ofcourse also welcome to entertain themselves)
1. What's the difference between an actuary and an accountant?
Ans. Ac actuary does much the same thing as an accountant but lacks the accountant's bright and vivacious personality.
Or
An accountant is someone who wanted to be an actuary, but didn't have the personality for it.
2. How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans. How many did it take last year.
3. A farmer asks an actuary to count his sheep and the actuary very quickly replies '1007' - 'How did you count them so quickly?' 'Well, there are roughly thousand in those fields over there, and seven in this field here'.
4. Definition of a computer An actuary with a heart.
5. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
6. An actuary is a person, who passes as an expert on the basis of a prolific ability to produce an infinite variety of incomprehensive figures calculated with micrometric precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive data derived by persons of questionable reliability for the sole purpose of confusing an already hopelessly befuddled group of persons who never read the statistics anyway!
7. An engineer, an architect and an actuary are stranded on a desert island with only one can of baked beans and no can opener. The engineer suggests lighting a fire to heat up the can so that the contents will expand and force the can to open. The architect says the contents would scatter all over the place, so he suggests building a structure around the fire to catch the contents. The actuary says, "Assume a can opener ... ".
8. Question Why don't actuaries read novels? Answer The only numbers in them are page numbers.
9. The CEO of a insurance company loses his Chief Actuary and hires a firm of headhunters to find a new one. After a while they contact him to say they have five candidates for interview. To their surprise he asks if any of them has only one arm. After checking the files they indeed find one who has only one arm. The CEO immediately says "ok, I'll take him". When asked why, the CEO replies "I want an actuary who can make a decision. I'm fed up with actuaries who keep saying "but on the other hand..."
10. An accountant, a lawyer, and an actuary are walking down the street when they come upon a man who has just accidently dropped a number of coins out of his pocket onto the sidewalk. The accountant glances around at the coins, totals their value, and advises the man on how much he lost. The lawyer ignores the coins and starts searching the sidewalk for dollar bills. And the actuary uses the total value of the lost coins to project what's left in the guy's pocket.
Hope you enjoy my contribution.
DT
1. What's the difference between an actuary and an accountant?
Ans. Ac actuary does much the same thing as an accountant but lacks the accountant's bright and vivacious personality.
Or
An accountant is someone who wanted to be an actuary, but didn't have the personality for it.
2. How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans. How many did it take last year.
3. A farmer asks an actuary to count his sheep and the actuary very quickly replies '1007' - 'How did you count them so quickly?' 'Well, there are roughly thousand in those fields over there, and seven in this field here'.
4. Definition of a computer An actuary with a heart.
5. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
6. An actuary is a person, who passes as an expert on the basis of a prolific ability to produce an infinite variety of incomprehensive figures calculated with micrometric precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive data derived by persons of questionable reliability for the sole purpose of confusing an already hopelessly befuddled group of persons who never read the statistics anyway!
7. An engineer, an architect and an actuary are stranded on a desert island with only one can of baked beans and no can opener. The engineer suggests lighting a fire to heat up the can so that the contents will expand and force the can to open. The architect says the contents would scatter all over the place, so he suggests building a structure around the fire to catch the contents. The actuary says, "Assume a can opener ... ".
8. Question Why don't actuaries read novels? Answer The only numbers in them are page numbers.
9. The CEO of a insurance company loses his Chief Actuary and hires a firm of headhunters to find a new one. After a while they contact him to say they have five candidates for interview. To their surprise he asks if any of them has only one arm. After checking the files they indeed find one who has only one arm. The CEO immediately says "ok, I'll take him". When asked why, the CEO replies "I want an actuary who can make a decision. I'm fed up with actuaries who keep saying "but on the other hand..."
10. An accountant, a lawyer, and an actuary are walking down the street when they come upon a man who has just accidently dropped a number of coins out of his pocket onto the sidewalk. The accountant glances around at the coins, totals their value, and advises the man on how much he lost. The lawyer ignores the coins and starts searching the sidewalk for dollar bills. And the actuary uses the total value of the lost coins to project what's left in the guy's pocket.
Hope you enjoy my contribution.
DT
